What It’s Like to Attend Your First 12-Step Meeting

If you are struggling with drug or alcohol abuse or dependence and have decided you need help, part of the conversation you have with doctors, therapists, or friends will likely involve attending 12-step meetings. There is strong evidence that participation in these meetings increases the likelihood that an individual will get clean and sober. In addition, the more consistent an individual is in attending meetings, the more likely they are to remain clean and sober (Kaskutas, 2009). Attending your first 12-step meeting, however, can be an overwhelming experience. Not only is attendance an acknowledgement that you may have a problem, it requires most to enter a new world with its own cultural, rituals, and language. While the discussion about the existence of a drug or alcohol problem is often long and complicated, the discussion of going to a 12-step meeting is frequently short. Here is where you can find a list of meetings, pick one and go.

The lack of detail about what one should expect at a 12-step meeting is often driven by a lack of personal knowledge by those making the recommendation to attend. These individuals know that the literature says 12-step programs are effective, but they may never have been to a meeting themselves. It is my hope, therefore, that sharing my experience might reduce the anxiety of those attending and provide useful description for those who are recommending attendance.

I attended my first Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) meeting 10 years ago. I was fortunate to go with a friend, away from my hometown. Both the presence of my friend and the added anonymity of being out-of-town reduced my anxiety. The meeting was very small and most of its members had several years of sobriety under their belts. Often, but not always, if a newcomer acknowledges that they are attending their first meeting, the format of the meeting will change. Individuals in the group will tell their stories of addiction and how AA help them with their recovery. I told the group I was in my first meeting despite my friend’s warning that I would become center of attention in his small group. I’m glad I did, but I understand those who don’t, particularly those whose first meeting has more than six people in it!

When I returned home to Atlanta I got a dose of what it is like to really go out on your own and attend a 12-step meeting. My first attempt was a complete miss. I went online and found a meeting that worked with my schedule. However, I showed up to an empty parking lot. There was one person around who let me know the meeting I was trying to attend had been canceled months ago. Unfortunately, 12-step websites are not always up-to-date. You can try to call to confirm meetings, but my experience is that phone calls go unanswered. So, you may have to try a couple times to find a meeting. Don’t think the universe is sending you a sign that you don’t really need help. It could just as easily be sending you a sign that you need to be more persistent.

Eventually I did find meetings. I found many different meetings, with different types of people, in different places, with different vibes. The meetings in Atlanta [MD1] are often large, particularly at the clubhouses. Being a naturally introverted person it took me a while to find my bearings. I sat through several meetings where I talked to no one, and no one talked to me. It turns out that the meeting I went to most often had only a small group of core members, and lots of new people came in and out on a regular basis. It’s likely that there were enough new people in the room on the days I attended that I wasn’t really noticed. It’s also likely my bundle-of-nerves energy was not helping attract people to me.

I had hoped I would be welcomed (as I had been in the meeting I attended out-of-town). When that did not happen I became very frustrated. When I eventually spoke up toward the end of my fourth or fifth meeting my nerves were shot. Shaking, I told the group that I had attended several meetings, but I had no idea what I was supposed to do now. That’s all it took. The welcome was immediate and warm. In retrospect, they had been telling me exactly what to do every meeting I had attended. I was just so anxious about recovery and being in a new place among strangers that I wasn’t hearing them. As I’ll explain later in the blog there is an actual time when people volunteer to talk to you after the meeting!

From the point I spoke-up in a meeting, AA kicked into gear and my recovery really started. A member volunteered to be my temporary sponsor, and I worked with him through the 12 steps. I started attending my sponsor’s home group and found that the culture was better suited to my needs. I gained an understanding of my disease and how to manage it. I was given the opportunity to help others and did when I could. I had a really hard time getting started, but persevering until I found the courage to ask for help has improved my life immeasurably.

So what should you expect when you go to your first meeting? Hopefully I’ve demonstrated that you should expect to try a few different meetings before you find the one that is right for you. However, there is enough consistency in meetings that I may be able to provide a general picture that will make you feel just a little more comfortable and encourage you to engage before you hit full-out panic mode like I did.

Meetings are held in lots of different places. Churches and clubhouses seem to be the most popular venues, but my home group was held in an old house for a long time. I know of meetings in strip malls and yoga studios. Every meeting I have been to has been non-smoking. However, every meeting I have been to has had people hanging around the front door smoking prior to entering the meeting. If you don’t mind the smoke, this can be a good place to introduce yourself outside the meeting knowing that the small talk will end as soon as the meeting begins.

If the smoking area is not for you, the next area you are likely to encounter is the coffee station. Cheap coffee in Styrofoam cups will be in the hands of many when they enter the meeting room. So grab a coffee if you like and head in. Find a seat and expect to experience some approximation of the following:

• Meeting is called to order – The person leading the meeting is not “in charge.” They are just a member of the group who has volunteered to lead the meeting for the day.

• Person leading the group reads the AA preamble and leads the group in the serenity prayer

• Other group members, who were asked before the start of the meeting to read, read “How it Works,” the” Twelve Traditions,” and “The Promises.”

• Person leading the meeting asks if there are any newcomers (first meeting) or people new to that particular meeting – As I said before, you will guarantee yourself a lot of attention if you announce that this is your first meeting. If you’re cool with that, it is a great way to integrate yourself into the program as quickly as possible.

• Note: People who are part of the program typically introduce themselves with some version of “Hi my name is Matt and I’m an alcoholic/addict.” The group then says “Hi Matt” (just like in the movies). You should introduce yourself by your first name, but the admission of alcoholism or addiction is not required.

• AA-related announcements are read

• The core of the meeting takes place – Discussion, Big Book, Step Study or Speaker

• Note: This is a great time to listen and get a feel for what is important to people in a particular meeting. Also, look for people who say things that resonate with you. You may have the opportunity to ask them to be a temporary sponsor after the meeting.

• Conclusion of the core part of the meeting. Leader will usually ask if someone needs to share for fear of drinking or using if they do not

• Chips are handed out.

• Note: The one that will be of interest to you is the white chip for 1-day sober. This chip is offered at the beginning and end of this part of the meeting so you get two chances. I had been sober for six months before I attended my first meeting, but picking up a white chip was still a powerful experience for me.

• Pass the basket – AA is self-sustaining so members are asked to chip in a dollar or two to keep things running (and keep the coffee pots full!)

• The meeting leader will ask if anyone is willing to be a temporary sponsor (those willing raise their hands) – Remember when I said that every meeting I went to they told me what I should do next. This is it! This is how you start. You’re not committing to work with this person for the rest of your life, but they will play an important role in integrating you into the group.

• The Lord’s Prayer is recited by the group, usually standing in a circle holding hands

• Note: This can be uncomfortable for a lot of people, particularly those who are not Christian. Saying the prayer is optional. And, some meetings simply repeat the serenity prayer. 12-step programs are faith-based programs. However, what you have faith in is entirely up to you. You DO NOT have to have Christian beliefs to participate in, and benefit from 12-step programs.

I know what you are going through is hard. I have been there. I know that integrating into the world of 12-step programs can feel overwhelming. However, I also know the benefit it provided for me. So hopefully you are now equipped with the knowledge you need to make your first meeting a success. Even if finding that meeting takes a few attempts.

References:

Kaskutas, Lee Ann

J Addict Dis. Author manuscript; available in PMC 2009 Sep 18. Published in final edited form as: J Addict Dis. 2009; 28(2): 145–157. doi: 10.1080/10550880902772464

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Matt Dooley, MS, MBA, LAPC, NCC is an Atlanta-based counselor who helps individuals and couples live happier, more fulfilled lives. Matt works with a wide range of Adult and Teen clients. His specialties include working with individuals struggling with mood disorders, addiction and career concerns. He is currently taking new clients, and can be reached by phone or email .

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